Burn Out

How do you know if you are in the right career? How do you know if you've made the right choice in your profession?

I'm burnt out and it's only the beginning of November. This is better than last year, my burn out hit in October.

I have it pretty good at my job, so why am I already burnt out? I am just sitting here dreading tomorrow, counting down days to the weekend, comforting myself with thoughts of two days off for Thanksgiving three weeks from now. What is wrong with me?

The last two years I've had to deal with students with serious emotional problems. I never know what I'm going to get from them. I have a girl in my class who seriously hates me. Everything I say, she purposefully does the opposite and then looks at me waiting for my reaction. I also have a boy in my class who cries ALL THE TIME. Daily, the kid cries daily. Every time he has to do work he yells "Noooooo!" The kid actually boos people, kids and teachers. Who does that?

The rest of the teachers have agreed I have the homeroom from hell.
Last year I had all the Special Ed students (obviously), but also all the ELL students, "At Risk" students and behavior problems. When am I going to catch a fucking break? There's no way I can do this for another 27.5 years.

I wonder if I need a change in age, middle school students are hard. Maybe high school would be better? Or even beginning elementary? At least the daily crying would be more acceptable coming from a 5 year-old compared to a 12 year-old,

I also think I have generalized aniexty disorder. I know, so American, diagnosing myself with a mental disorder in order to solve my problems. But I dread things, all the time, I dread going into work every day, even though I always get through it. I dread going out. I dread staying in. I dread simple things like making a phone call. I always have something to dread and there is never a reason to dread them.

The weird thing is, I don't dread things that are actually stressful. I don't dread interviews and I didn't dread defending my masters thesis, but I did dread finding parking. It makes 0 sense.

The worst part is my dread affects people around me. I dreaded wedding dress shopping and wasn't able to make it a fun experience with my family, because I was so stressed out. I bring my dread for work home, which then affects the Med Student because he's already stressed about whatever test he's taking that week.

My dread affects my physically too. I get cancur sores all the time. I sweat so much every night when I sleep that I soak the blankets. I can feel my chest tighten and I clench my jaw constantly. I need help. I need to just pull the trigger and see someone.

The Life of a Teacher in Ohio

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/answer-sheet/wp/2015/07/14/teacher-ive-loved-my-very-difficult-job-but-now-ohio-has-made-it-impossible/

I hate "woe as me" teacher comments, complaining about being over worked and underpaid. We signed up for this. I also hate teacher bashing articles, complaining about unions and summers off, talking about their one bad experience they had with one teacher 3 decades ago.

I piss off students all the time. I have a student this year who hates me with every fiber of her being, and I guarantee in 20 years she will remember me and still hate me. I'm also, as her mother said at conferences, "the first teacher who called her bluff and held her accountable." So again no shit, she's going to remember me as "that bitch" for the rest of her life, and if it improves her work ethic, I'm ok with that.

I've also been told by multiple parents and students this year that I'm the nicest and most supportive teacher they've had. I'm ok with that too.

Here's the thing; everyone has an opinion about teachers, because everyone in their life has interacted with a teacher. They are aware of good teachers and bad teachers, because everyone has had both. The problem is, no one says that about other professions, at least to those extremes. Every person in the United States has an opinion on how to fix public education, especially politicians in the state of Ohio.

Disclaimer: I believe teachers should be evaluated. I also believe our pay schedule should not be based solely on education and experience. I also am a proud union member, who does not always agree with the NEA party line.

That being said, I have been ranked "Accomplished" by the state two years in a row, based on observations by administration and student test scores. My students have surpassed their same aged peers on state mandated reading math assessments each year because of me. Administrators have also noted my classroom organization and efficiency some of the best they have ever seen. That ranking doesn't seem to matter though.  Here is how I spent my week.

Monday

6:00 am- 7:40 am: Filling out my OTES (Ohio Teacher Evaluation System Pre Conference/Post Evaluation Reflection document)

7:40-3:00: Teaching all subjects to all students, including gifted and special ed in the same class

3:00-4:05: Staff meeting evaluating our grading system

Another 2 hours, after my 45 minute drive home completing grades

Tuesday

6:00 am-7:40: Completing my Reading SLO  (Student Learning Objectives), a document to show how I am evaluating all students in the 6th grade in Reading

7:40-3:00: Teaching all subjects to all students. including gifted and special ed in the same class

3:00-4:30 Completing my Math SLO (Student Learning Objectives), a document to show how I am evaluating all students in 6th grade in Math

4:30-6:00 pm: Reading up on the Resident Educator Program, year three and filling out 20+ pages of paper work about my classes to submit to the state

6:00-8:30 pm: Getting my materials ready for next week to record myself teaching to then submit to the state.

Wednesday:

6:00 am-7:40 Setting up a required survey though a privately funded agency where my 11 year-old students get to rank me in multiple areas on a scale from 1-5 (1 being the worst, 5 being the best)

7:40-8:55: In my post conference OTES (Ohio Teacher Evaluation System) with the building principal, this meeting I am ranked accomplished (the highest ranking possible) in 7/8 areas including differentiation, classroom environment and assessment. I am then informed that I am not a "fully accomplished teacher" due to my professionalism because I do not verbally participate in our state mandated Teacher Based Team meetings.

8:55-3:00: Teaching all subjects to all students, including gifted and special ed in the same class

3:00-3:15: Met with a parent who accused 6th grade teachers of not addressing stealing because her daughters Cross Country sweatshirt had been missing for 15 minutes

3:15-4:20: Mandatory Teacher Based Team meeting that was supposed to be about the new state test we were giving (the 3rd version in 3 years created by a 3rd different company). The agenda was changed because the state has pushed back the deadline for sample questions for the test we will be giving in March for the 3rd time. We then talked about Google Forms for an hour because the state requires us to be there, even though the same politicians can't meet their own deadlines.

Thursday:

6:00 am-7:40: Created sub plans, completing progress reports for Special Education students

7:40:-8:50- Met with Math teacher to pull test scores students to determine who has grown during the first 9 weeks in reading and math

8:50-3:00 You know, taught students

3:00-4:00 Met with rest of 6th grade team to determine who will be honored at end of 9 weeks assembly based on test scores, attendance and home work completion; all data we had to track down on our own

4:00-4:30- Completed Sub plans and materials

Friday

8:00-3:30: Training by the state on how to write compliant Individualized Education Programs. It was the same training I took two years ago when I started my first Intervention Specialist job. At the end I was supposed to fill out on a form what I learned from the meeting. I stared at the form for 5 minutes, trying to come up with something new I learned, then I got up and left.

In short, while I don't fully agree with the drama of this article and the description of "teachers running between places". I hate how many hoops I have to jump through, trying to prove to the state in 8 different ways how I am competent at my job.

Pumpdizzle

I've been living in Athens for almost 6 months now and it's been up and down. It's hard to verbalize, but I'm struggling to figure myself out. Not professionally, not romantically, but just me as a person. When I moved back to Columbus after college I immediately fell back in with the same people I've known since I was twelve. It was nice. It was easy. It was comfortable. During that time I was also consumed with trying to balance my first two years of teaching, while going to school full time to complete my masters. I didn't have hobbies or take vacations, I didn't even go out more than once a month. There wasn't time to be any other than a teacher and a masters student.

Now I'm comfortable in my profession, finished my master’s program and have all this free time on my hands. The catch is, I have no fucking clue what to do with this new found free time. That, and I live in a place where on the weekends I see more deer than people.

The fiancé is great, but now we've switched roles and he's the busy one. I talk to my friends from home fairly often, but as much as they promised, none of them have made the trip down to visit like they said they would and I can't afford to make drives back to Columbus every weekend.

So here I am, 27 with 0 friends and 0 hobbies. It's pathetic.

The bright side, my effort to make friends, find hobbies and see more people than animals is starting to pay off. 

I got back into CrossFit and joined a box around here. I've been going 4-5 days a week and I'm already seeing the benefits. I recently got Double Unders (yayayayaya) and have been trying to chat people up there. On Saturday I even got invited out to breakfast by some of the members. I was so excited I texted the fiance to tell him. Again, I realize how pathetic this is, but prior to this the most socialization I got on the weekends with chatting with the compost guy at the farmers market.

I've also started taking a free yoga class at the local library. I'm the only one in the class who hasn't gone through menopause, but the ladies are still friendly. Plus it makes me secretly feel fit when at the beginning of class when the instructor asks everyone to let her know of any chronic pain, I'm the only one who doesn't rattle off at least 5 different body parts. 

I got a library card out of the deal. It's the small victories people.

I know it sounds bleak, but there are things I appreciate here. I like that I have a job where I can leave at the end of day not filled with dread about the next, worrying what bullshit circus I will be pulled into. I like that I don't have to rush to class after work but can mosey into the box 20 minutes early and practice skills I struggle at before the WOD. I like buying my sausage from the school nurse. No seriously, her kids raise pigs for 4-H and they are fucking delicious. 

I would also never tell any of my friends or family any of this, but they don't know about the blog so what the hell?

How We Got Here

Sometimes, I look around at my new life and think, "how the hell did I get here?!" If you would have told me five years ago that I would be living off a dirt road, teaching in a small town on the border of Ohio and West Virginia AND be engaged to a guy I went to highschool with, I would have thought you were crazy. No seriously, I would have actually been concerned about your mental stability.

But here I am, and the weird part? I kind of like it.

My life in Chicago was fun, fast-paced and sometimes, totally overwhelming. I moved there right after high school in hopes of getting as far away from high school and Ohio, with plans to never look back. Funny right?

After four years of exploring, partying and working in the city's toughest neighborhood I had plans to run from Chicago too. I had a job lined up in San Francisco, friends moving all across the country and a long-term relationship that sent me constantly teetering between complete panic and total comfort. What did I do? In very me fashion, I spazzed.

The night before I was supposed to board my early morning flight to San Francisco, I called the school and quit. Within a week I had broken it off with a guy of four years and had moved back home to Columbus, Ohio. I had no car, no real place to stay and no long term plans past a job with Children's Defense Fund Freedom Schools, in the Hilltop neighborhood on the city's West side.

Over the next couple years I got my life back in order. I got a full time teaching job, made great new friends while reconnecting with old. I met my future husband, (yes, we graduated high school together and didn't meet until 4 years after) and completed my masters.

Now here we are. I'm 9 weeks in to my 3rd year of teaching, trying to adjust to the culture shock of living outside a city for the first time in my life, Clint's successfully navigating his first year of medical school and I'm planning a wedding filled with groomsmen who I spent four years in high school ignoring because I was so caught up in my big escape plan of getting the fuck out of there.

And, I'm happy.